White House Museum

I LOVE this web site!

3 THREE 3 three

They say things come in threes. I tend to agree, at least for today!

1. My stomach goes out of whack for some reason.

2. My driver's side front tire goes flat.

3. My dishwasher explodes.


OY!

What do you do?

What do you do when your ex is apparently going off the deep end?

I know he's had trouble settling in when moving here, coincidentally, when I did. But now it seems so much worse. It sounds, from my last contact with him, that he is drinking a lot, almost daily. That "everyone," he says, he knows is giving him a hard time. (This is because he treats them all badly.) When I asked why he won't socialize with me -- I last saw him a month ago despite living 3 blocks away --- he went off the handle that I was being dramtic. Further, he is interested in nothing but sex, it seems, which is a way the gays make themselves feel better about themselves. Too typical, I'm afraid, which shows he probably hates himself. In fact, he was angry about a weekend trip he wasn't taking now because the person he was going to visit now has a boyfriend and he can't, therefore, get sex. He's also acted terrible in front of others, including me, with no concern how that affects me or others. He clearly has little concern for how his actions affect others.

I also know he has no real friends. Again, no wonder there!

And he won't listen to me. In fact, when I tried to explain all this, to point out patterns and bad behavior, I get pushed away. Fine. I will stay away.

I guess there is nothing anyone can do until people see their own problems. Sigh. I still have feelings for him, and don't wan't to see anything bad happen, but I fear it is coming.

Coccyx

I cut my coccyx! Apparently this is common for people who bicycle a lot, and I'm sure the leg presses with heavy weight hasn't helped.

OUCH!!!!!!

Xmas Hell

Off to the 'rents' for the holiday in a couple of hours. I'm not looking forward to it, and it's the same annually. let me give you the rundown!

Arrive at home around 1:00. Drive up to Butler to see my Alzheimer-wracked grandma who, I gather, won't know anyone or be able to communicate anything but random words that make absolutely no sense. That and she'll be shaking. Yeah, I would rather not experience this but I feel guilty for not having seen her for a year. I just don't want to remember THIS grandma, if you know what I mean.

Then home for TV while the rents go to church for a dose of bigotry, I'm sure.

The next day, Xmas, is always the same. Wake up. Exchange prezzies with my rents; always awkward to me for some reason. Then waiting. Then my great aunt arrives. Then brother, sis-in-law, 2 nephews & niece show up. The it gets loud, obnoxious, and annoying. My brother will park himself on the couch to watch some sporting event or hunting program on TV. The kids will scream and fight and run around. Then we'll eat the same old tired meal, the same one, in fact, we had for Thanksgiving --- God I am so bored of this. Then we open presents. Joy. Then pie, coffee, blasting TV, and I become extremely bored as I have nothing to talk about with any of my family since I have nothing in common with them. We're total opposites. I'm a MO, they're not. I'm educated, they're not. Brother hunts, I'm aware of these things called super markets.

I may drive home Xmas night, or stay another day to visit a friend the next day. We'll see.

Sigh

Yeah the day and bad news could have been better, but I have very supportive friends who are the best. Love you guys.

Validation & Invalidation

I've come across a brilliant book that explains why gay men are, well to put it frankly, so fucked up --- myself included! It has made me reassess my own behavior over the past few months (if not years) as well as that of some people I know. It all makes so much more sense now.

At the root of this is shame that all gay men, or I guess boys, have experienced and have had rooted in their personalities growing up in a dominant heterosexual world that regards homosexuality with disdain and holds masculinity as an ideal. So whereas, as the book describes, straight relationships receive support and encouragement the gay person is left feeling somehow retched and, therefore, in life seeks to avoid that shame that was instilled in him.

What does he do? He constantly seeks validation while going way out of his way to avoid invalidation. Thus the best clothes, dating the prettiest man, eating the best food, taking lavish vacations, and having short relationships.

Yeah I see this in me. What am I seeking from my ex? Validation. And when I don't get it I become enraged. But what is he doing? The same with me. He knows how I feel about him and when he needs it I offer that validation but then he doesn't let me get too close because that would open the doors to me or him seeing his flaws.

And it was interesting because he was out of town over the weekend, and this enabled me thoroughly to enjoy my time out because he wasn't there to affect me in either way. Then again, I did this to someone who is less important to me but I nevertheless did it. I was ignored by someone I like the other day, who then saw me out last night. So what was my reaction? To not validate him, and this was, undoubtedly, punishing. We gay men do this over and over and over.

It's little wonder we are so fucked up, have short and rocky relationships, and compensate in all the ways we do. We've all grown up in similar situations, and our lives, I guess, can be mutually destructive.

Now I'm not finished with the book yet, though I am tearing through it, but right now... this is what I've gotten from it.