Insights

So.... Apparently, I'm told by those who know, that my anxiety problems are rooted in adjusting to a new life, new situations, and renewed relations.

It all makes sense to me now, explains a lot (see below!), and, in fact, makes me already feel significantly better. Now there's still a lot to be anxious about, but knowing... just knowing is something that's incredibly important to me. I have this insatiable desire --- and unbending curiosity I suppose --- to know things. It can be annoying at times. At least I'm not losing it! Ha ha

I Hate Holidays

I hate holidays.

Why?

They bore me, there is nothing good on TV, and I brood too much. I guess I function the best when busy and in a routine.

Speaking of functioning and routines, I'm having the damnedest time focusing and getting anything but the most mundane things accomplished. Nothing seems to be working, including the latest Call of Duty! But maybe I need to give it another go. I bought Team of Rivals today and, it seems, it's a book I can get lost in but we'll see.

As for other freaky developments, my very good friend who's off in grad school told me today this guy she's been seeing --- let's call him British guy --- but one whom she dumped, called her at 3 AM and left a voice mail saying something about "make it stop, make it stop." I guess he's on the verge of a break down, and seems to be suicidal, and despite her taking him to the shrink they didn't hold him. This I don't get. But at least my little daily anxiety isn't this! Man this dude is FUCKED UP!

Friday Night with Lights

I didn't know if I wanted to go out Friday night, or the weekend, but I did when a friend suggested Light Up Night. I'm glad I did!

It was, however, friggen freezing downtown standing outside and looking at all the lights. Ok, ok, since it was 23 degrees --- but felt like 14 --- I did more shivering than looking, but it was something to do. Lights, annoying Xmas music (blech!), fireworks with things falling on us from the sky, getting disoriented with where I was, exactly, downtown after coming out of the parking garage, switching parking garages for fear of the one locking up, showing my undies (the front). Gotta love bizarre moments! I enjoyed it.

OK. I've decided it was an extreme anxiety attack! WOW! To be totally gendered about it, I am SUCH A GIRL! Who would have figured?

This so undercuts my usual manly persona! haha

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Last night was nutty ... but it didn't start out that way. I went to a friend's for game night: poker plus trival pursuit. While there I had 2 vodka Red Bulls and a vodka tonic. I wasn't feeling particularly drunk at all, really, so we went out to a bar where we had enough time for one (weak) drink. Then to afterhours where I only had water.

Apparently, what came next is a mystery to me. My ex, who was supposed to be away, comes waltzing in and says 3 words to me then moves on. This was exceptionally annoying since we're supposed to be closer than that given our intimate relationship over the past two months. Somewhere in here I made some comment about my water not tasting right, and after the ex had passed I remember looking around at everyone. Then I remember becoming very lightheaded. I had to grab onto the bar. My vision blurred. I got tunnel vision, and I couldn't see. What I could see appeared like a photograph negative but in red and black. Finally I collapsed onto the floor. I don't know for how long I was there, but I had to be helped up! It took a while but I recovered.

I eventually talked to the ex, as if nothing had happened, but I don't think I was thinking clearly. So I figure I either had my drink spiked (but not fully) in that overly crowded bar, or I had a major anxiety attack over personal ex issues. I'm not so sure about the latter possibility. It's not at all like me, but if it would happen I suppose it would be over this bloke!

Mystery.

Prop H8 Protest In Pittsburgh

Despite the inclement weather, along with several friends I went along to this protest. While I was happy there is a nationwide protest happening about California's proposition 8, there is little to no chance gay marriage (let alone civil unions) will happen in Pennsylvania. Ah well, worth the effort.

That being said, I was more there in spirit. I chose not to march down the street, but for two reasons. To keep some friends company and because my bloody back is still killing me!!!

It was a bit annoying, as well, because the whole issue reminds me how single I am, and how complicated this thing is between myself and my ex. Sigh.

Howdy!!

I've never blogged before but recently I've been needing some sort of outlet in order to vent. So I'm going to try this. I'm not certain that I'm dedicated enough to do this everyday, but I'm going to give it a shot nevertheless!