Xmas Hell

Off to the 'rents' for the holiday in a couple of hours. I'm not looking forward to it, and it's the same annually. let me give you the rundown!

Arrive at home around 1:00. Drive up to Butler to see my Alzheimer-wracked grandma who, I gather, won't know anyone or be able to communicate anything but random words that make absolutely no sense. That and she'll be shaking. Yeah, I would rather not experience this but I feel guilty for not having seen her for a year. I just don't want to remember THIS grandma, if you know what I mean.

Then home for TV while the rents go to church for a dose of bigotry, I'm sure.

The next day, Xmas, is always the same. Wake up. Exchange prezzies with my rents; always awkward to me for some reason. Then waiting. Then my great aunt arrives. Then brother, sis-in-law, 2 nephews & niece show up. The it gets loud, obnoxious, and annoying. My brother will park himself on the couch to watch some sporting event or hunting program on TV. The kids will scream and fight and run around. Then we'll eat the same old tired meal, the same one, in fact, we had for Thanksgiving --- God I am so bored of this. Then we open presents. Joy. Then pie, coffee, blasting TV, and I become extremely bored as I have nothing to talk about with any of my family since I have nothing in common with them. We're total opposites. I'm a MO, they're not. I'm educated, they're not. Brother hunts, I'm aware of these things called super markets.

I may drive home Xmas night, or stay another day to visit a friend the next day. We'll see.

Sigh

Yeah the day and bad news could have been better, but I have very supportive friends who are the best. Love you guys.

Validation & Invalidation

I've come across a brilliant book that explains why gay men are, well to put it frankly, so fucked up --- myself included! It has made me reassess my own behavior over the past few months (if not years) as well as that of some people I know. It all makes so much more sense now.

At the root of this is shame that all gay men, or I guess boys, have experienced and have had rooted in their personalities growing up in a dominant heterosexual world that regards homosexuality with disdain and holds masculinity as an ideal. So whereas, as the book describes, straight relationships receive support and encouragement the gay person is left feeling somehow retched and, therefore, in life seeks to avoid that shame that was instilled in him.

What does he do? He constantly seeks validation while going way out of his way to avoid invalidation. Thus the best clothes, dating the prettiest man, eating the best food, taking lavish vacations, and having short relationships.

Yeah I see this in me. What am I seeking from my ex? Validation. And when I don't get it I become enraged. But what is he doing? The same with me. He knows how I feel about him and when he needs it I offer that validation but then he doesn't let me get too close because that would open the doors to me or him seeing his flaws.

And it was interesting because he was out of town over the weekend, and this enabled me thoroughly to enjoy my time out because he wasn't there to affect me in either way. Then again, I did this to someone who is less important to me but I nevertheless did it. I was ignored by someone I like the other day, who then saw me out last night. So what was my reaction? To not validate him, and this was, undoubtedly, punishing. We gay men do this over and over and over.

It's little wonder we are so fucked up, have short and rocky relationships, and compensate in all the ways we do. We've all grown up in similar situations, and our lives, I guess, can be mutually destructive.

Now I'm not finished with the book yet, though I am tearing through it, but right now... this is what I've gotten from it.

Plus or Minus?

I'm NEGATIVE as of, well, today.

Are you?

I Dislike December

This has got to be the one month I dislike more than any other. January might be a close second but only because it is so boring, yet nice and routine.

December is when the weather turns very cold. It's full of family pressures and expectations surrounding the holidays that are not at all relaxing. The days are at their shortest and it seems dark all the time, and this affects, at least, my mood in negative ways. Blech! I'm expected to buy people things and run my bank account down which is annoying because I'm not a Christian but the rest of the family are. Whatever. TV isn't any good because of the holidays. And work is at its most stressful.

I think bears --- the animal not the fat, hairy, gay men --- have got it right. Hibernate! Wake me up in the Spring!

Got Milk?

If you haven't seen this film, you should.

Now I know an awful lot about gay and lesbian history, but I'll admit I didn't know much about Harvey Milk until quite recently. But that might exactly be the point and why this film is so important.

Today the GLBT community wages the good fight against bigotry and while we have made some significant advances, such as less anonymity, no bar arrests, etc., it's still an uphill battle. Milk helped to win a battle against a bigoted California referendum, but this year we lost to the religious bigots. Much needs to be done, and this film will hopefully wake some people up.

Bush Loves Shoes

Oh George Bush! You Iraqi liberator!

Puppies!!!!!!!

I found this today... and LOVE IT!

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam

Hmmm

At what point do you cut someone out of your life?

What, exactly, must someone do to you to warrant it?

I seem to be wrestling with this constantly --- fucking emotions! lol I'm such a girl!

Ugly Christmas Trees

OK, why is it at the White House they always have a dog-ugly Xmas tree? I mean honestly, they look like they've been vomited on! I suspect because it is nerdy & political straights who decorate them

Michelle's Dress?

http://www.wwd.com/#/slideshow/article/1875632/175734, which inaugural dress should Michelle Obama wear? ((I like the red one))

If you look at the proposed designs, some look great (the gays must have created those!). Some look awful! Some are downright racist, frankly.


What do you think?

I Don't Fully Get It

Why is it that in inter-personal relationships people cannot be forthcoming and honest and, instead, play this coy game of silence and distance?

I've had problems with my ex, with whom I've maintained an intimate relationship yet he won't share other aspects of his life with me. I'm kept out.

I've also had a close friend some 500 miles distant with whom I've also maintained an intermittent intimate relationship and who I was able to talk with and freely share thoughts. Suddenly, well maybe not so suddenly, things went distant. Emails went unanswered. Texts went ignored. Finally, I get it out of him that he's now living with and in open relationship with a friend of his --- a person I've met and personally like --- but which he then characterized as his "closet friend." Huh? So he secretly is in a relationship while pretending to be living with his pal? Uh huh.

Ok. So why the silent treatment with me? Why is it people must keep others in the dark, questioning, wondering, and curious? All this ends up doing, I figure, is leading one to wonder, for example: "Ok what the hell did I do now?" "Did I piss this person off?" "What the fuck is going on?"

Is it just my own insatiable curiosity and need to know things? Or are most people just consumed by this psychological need to hold onto others, not let go, and only give them so much information?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Whiskey Rebellion II

Some time ago the geniuses in Pittsburgh decided against raising property taxes and, instead, to punish those of us who enjoy a nice, crisp, cool, refreshing adult beverage. They punished us with a massive 10% tax on drinks!

Attempts to kill it have failed because administrators and judges are weasels, but at least the politicians figured out if they don't do something, at least, they'd be axed. So now, the drink tax is 7%.

That's still too high. And, as a rule, throughout all of American history when people have monkeyed with the alcohol, it ends badly. Take the Whiskey Rebellion in Pittsburgh in the 1790s, yeah that tax on distilling booze didn't work out so well. Or the Molasses and Sugar Acts used against the American colonies in the 1760s --- to raise revenue that, effectively, targeted rum distillers --- yeah look how that ended (sorry England)! Or Prohibition, which didn't work out so well.

In short, leave me drinky alone!!!

Early New Year's Resolution

I've decided to start my New Year's resolution NOW: compartmentalize.

I'm going to recognize things for what they really are and not let them go beyond those boundaries.

YAY ME! :)

Don't Know

I don't know what to write, really, at least not what I want to.

I had an involved Thanksgiving... far too involved. The good highlights, though, included an early family Thanksgiving dinner replete with screaming kids and a too-loud TV with the hockey game on. ZZZZzzzz. I then had, the following day and the actual day of Thanksgiving, a wonderful dinner with friends. Gay friends! Yes, I had a big ol' gay Thanksgiving! The ironic thing about it was my gay friend made a better meal than my mother! Granted, mother has been stressed out this year with all sorts of things, but wow. Dinner was followed by drinking and good chat/TV until 3 AM.

Otherwise, I went out far too much. Got to suffer the pain of hangovers, but had a decent time highlighted by a little bit of ex-drama. Ah well. I'm over it.

Insights

So.... Apparently, I'm told by those who know, that my anxiety problems are rooted in adjusting to a new life, new situations, and renewed relations.

It all makes sense to me now, explains a lot (see below!), and, in fact, makes me already feel significantly better. Now there's still a lot to be anxious about, but knowing... just knowing is something that's incredibly important to me. I have this insatiable desire --- and unbending curiosity I suppose --- to know things. It can be annoying at times. At least I'm not losing it! Ha ha

I Hate Holidays

I hate holidays.

Why?

They bore me, there is nothing good on TV, and I brood too much. I guess I function the best when busy and in a routine.

Speaking of functioning and routines, I'm having the damnedest time focusing and getting anything but the most mundane things accomplished. Nothing seems to be working, including the latest Call of Duty! But maybe I need to give it another go. I bought Team of Rivals today and, it seems, it's a book I can get lost in but we'll see.

As for other freaky developments, my very good friend who's off in grad school told me today this guy she's been seeing --- let's call him British guy --- but one whom she dumped, called her at 3 AM and left a voice mail saying something about "make it stop, make it stop." I guess he's on the verge of a break down, and seems to be suicidal, and despite her taking him to the shrink they didn't hold him. This I don't get. But at least my little daily anxiety isn't this! Man this dude is FUCKED UP!

Friday Night with Lights

I didn't know if I wanted to go out Friday night, or the weekend, but I did when a friend suggested Light Up Night. I'm glad I did!

It was, however, friggen freezing downtown standing outside and looking at all the lights. Ok, ok, since it was 23 degrees --- but felt like 14 --- I did more shivering than looking, but it was something to do. Lights, annoying Xmas music (blech!), fireworks with things falling on us from the sky, getting disoriented with where I was, exactly, downtown after coming out of the parking garage, switching parking garages for fear of the one locking up, showing my undies (the front). Gotta love bizarre moments! I enjoyed it.

OK. I've decided it was an extreme anxiety attack! WOW! To be totally gendered about it, I am SUCH A GIRL! Who would have figured?

This so undercuts my usual manly persona! haha

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Last night was nutty ... but it didn't start out that way. I went to a friend's for game night: poker plus trival pursuit. While there I had 2 vodka Red Bulls and a vodka tonic. I wasn't feeling particularly drunk at all, really, so we went out to a bar where we had enough time for one (weak) drink. Then to afterhours where I only had water.

Apparently, what came next is a mystery to me. My ex, who was supposed to be away, comes waltzing in and says 3 words to me then moves on. This was exceptionally annoying since we're supposed to be closer than that given our intimate relationship over the past two months. Somewhere in here I made some comment about my water not tasting right, and after the ex had passed I remember looking around at everyone. Then I remember becoming very lightheaded. I had to grab onto the bar. My vision blurred. I got tunnel vision, and I couldn't see. What I could see appeared like a photograph negative but in red and black. Finally I collapsed onto the floor. I don't know for how long I was there, but I had to be helped up! It took a while but I recovered.

I eventually talked to the ex, as if nothing had happened, but I don't think I was thinking clearly. So I figure I either had my drink spiked (but not fully) in that overly crowded bar, or I had a major anxiety attack over personal ex issues. I'm not so sure about the latter possibility. It's not at all like me, but if it would happen I suppose it would be over this bloke!

Mystery.

Prop H8 Protest In Pittsburgh

Despite the inclement weather, along with several friends I went along to this protest. While I was happy there is a nationwide protest happening about California's proposition 8, there is little to no chance gay marriage (let alone civil unions) will happen in Pennsylvania. Ah well, worth the effort.

That being said, I was more there in spirit. I chose not to march down the street, but for two reasons. To keep some friends company and because my bloody back is still killing me!!!

It was a bit annoying, as well, because the whole issue reminds me how single I am, and how complicated this thing is between myself and my ex. Sigh.

Howdy!!

I've never blogged before but recently I've been needing some sort of outlet in order to vent. So I'm going to try this. I'm not certain that I'm dedicated enough to do this everyday, but I'm going to give it a shot nevertheless!